Understanding Our Boundaries

Understanding Our Boundaries

I want to go down a path of understanding balance and boundaries and what they mean for healthy relationships in life. I think boundaries don’t necessarily solve problems but are what helps nurture healthy relationships with the people you want to be around. Let me start by saying: Humans naturally suck at defining our boundaries.

We idealize having things in common, or spending heaps of time together with our partner thinking it makes us more compatible. Sometimes we’re narcissistic at our core and only put ourselves first because we believe we don’t have the capacity to let others in. We can compromise too much for others, or never compromise for others at all. We have great intentions inside, it’s just how we convey ourselves, and how other’s receive it that can cause a clash in values or understanding.

I want to introduce a concept that I use for my relationships. I believe it is foundational in order to feel balanced, stable, dignified and to love for yourself and others that you love.

 


 

UsYouMe Photoshop

I call it, Us, You and Me energies. In a nutshell, it is quite simple. ‘Us’ is the things you share together, ‘You’ is the things you give away unconditionally, and ‘Me’ is the time for being alone and growing yourself. On a daily basis, each of these energies is being pulled in a direction, one way or another. But as soon as one pulls too much, or you give more time to another, all of a sudden things start feeling out of whack.

I’ll explain these in a little more detail below.


 

Us

Sharing with someone else – both of you are benefiting from your time together, in a state of correlation. Sharing both good bad, or neutral times together.

‘Us’ is all about togetherness – for good and bad. When you’re good at sharing, you celebrate the wins in life together. And when you go through shit, you get good at fighting it, dealing with it, overcoming and forgiving one another. Either way, you go through the same experience.

You’ve heard of the honeymoon period in relationships, right? Want to know why most people end up breaking up a few months later? Because they spent too much time sharing, and not enough time compromising or focusing on their own growth/needs.

Travelling with someone is being in a constant sharing of ups/downs.

Travelling with someone is being in a constant sharing of ups/downs.

 


 

You

 

Compromise: (the things you’re involved with FOR the other’s person sake. You’re making a compromise to do something because you know the other person will be thankful.

Maybe one of your mates is a die-hard Taylor Swift fan, but you can’t stand her music. And on the night of the concert, your mate’s friend pulls out and you’re asked to go instead so they aren’t lonely. But hey, you go to the concert with them anyway because you care about them, and want them to have a good time so they aren’t lonely.

A compromise is a gift. Let me emphasize that it is given unconditionally, and is a form of non-transactional love. You cannot expect anything in return. Non-transaction love isn’t about someone paying you back, it’s about giving a favour.


 

Me

 

Give to yourself:

Breathing life into yourself and letting others breath life into themselves. ‘Me’ is all about selfishness. Let me ask you a question:

Who do you seek acceptance from?

Is it from yourself, or from other people?

When you have time to understand and accept yourself, you have self-respect, self-worth, and dignity. These are values that other people can’t give you.

Often we think that building deeper connections with others is about creating time for them. But the first step to helping others is to help yourself. The faucet needs to fill up your bucket before you can fill up another’s buckets too. Giving time to yourself is a powerful way to build self-awareness, and ground yourself. Having time to reflect on where you put your time is important in making the right decisions for ‘Us’ when sharing and ‘Youwhen compromising.

The same goes for letting your partner, or the ones you love be selfish. Have zero control. Let other people go to find who they are. Give them zero control and 100% trust to discover alone. I often hear stories about parents not letting their adult children travel, or partners not letting their girlfriend/wives hang out with other men, or vice-versa. It’s fucked.

This is basically a form of disrespect. Those people are damaging an individual’s potential to make choices and grow.

If you love someone enough, you let them be who they are, let them feel how they want to feel and let them hang with who they want.

This little bonsai is 20 years old. A long time to be spending time with just yourself.

This little bonsai is 20 years old. A long time to be spending time with just yourself.


 

Just remember, letting too much of one energy pull in a directional creates unhealthy balance. I would like to think that an even distribution of energy in each area is a logical way to balance things, but of course, boundaries are far too qualitative for this.

Assess where you’re at, take some time to write down the most recent times you’ve shared with your loved ones, given unconditionally to others, or taken time out for yourself.

Hope this helps.

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